Three Big Things We Misunderstand About Relationships (Part 1)
Three Big Things We Misunderstand About Relationships (Part 1)
Here are three big things many people misunderstand about relationships. The short version is that many of us misunderstand:
What relationships are and how they get formed;
What causes our relationships to fail;
What causes our relationship to succeed.
Now, if you misunderstand what relationships are, what causes them to fail, and what causes them to succeed, it should not be surprising that many people find maintaining happy, long-term relationships to be very challenging.
In this post, I will address this first of these three big misunderstandings. In subsequent individual posts, I will address the other two.
What Is A Relationship?
Unlike the question “What is a woman?” which can be answered in multiple diverse ways, the question “What is a relationship?” has one clear and fundamental answer:
FOR HUMAN BEINGS: A relationship comes into being (i.e., exists for us) when we make specific commitments to another person, group of people, or things.
All human relationships are determined by the nature and quality of the commitments that define them. The relationship exists as long as the commitments remain in place, are kept, and continue to be desired by the parties involved.
On the other hand, relationships die as soon as the commitments are withdrawn or cease to be fulfilled. That’s because relationships arise from commitments and then depend upon commitments to continue flourishing.
For example, friendships are relationships built upon a foundation of specific commitments:
“I will care about you and your well-being.”
“I will help you and support you, especially when you are in need.”
“I will spend time with you and do things with you that we both enjoy doing.”
“I will be kind and considerate to your other friends and family members (if I can)”
“I will not betray you, steal from you, or intentionally harm you.”
“I expect you to make and keep the same commitments to me.”
These are just examples of commitments that commonly give rise to our friendship relationships. In some friendships, other variations and even other additional commitments can also be involved.
However, the friendship dissolves once these foundational types of commitments are withdrawn or cease to be either honored or desired.
Any Skeletons In Your Closet?
The best way to understand human relationships is to think of them as being like the skeleton of your body.
If all the bones in your body suddenly disintegrated, you could not do much. You wouldn’t be able to walk, write, change positions, drive, play sports, go shopping, etc.
Well, commitments form the skeleton for your relationships. They are mostly invisible, but your relationships suffer when they are gone, neglected or breached.
Marriage is another well-known example of a specific type of human relationship based on very specific commitments. We call these vows, and they are an important part of every marriage ceremony.
When one or both spouses stop honoring their commitments or find reasons or excuses to withdraw from them, the marriage starts to fail, and eventually, it will disintegrate.
The “bones” of the relationship dissolve, and therefore, the relationship ceases to be functional, not to mention satisfying.
This is why commitments and trust are such a big part of human relationships.
Without them, it’s hard to maintain healthy, functioning relationships.
By the way, human beings can create relationships with pets and also with non-living things and concepts, not just with other human beings or animals.
You can create a relationship with your car, country, concept of God or other spiritual entity, planet Earth, or even Pluto.
And don’t forget, many years ago, people created intense relationships with “pet rocks.” How? By simply making commitments to the rocks (either purchased or found on the ground) and then honoring those commitments for as long as they did.
Unfortunately, we tend to think of our relationships in terms of behaviors, conversations, shared experiences, feelings, benefits, sacrifices, companionship, etc.
What we tend to forget, however, is that all these positive aspects and benefits of our relationships come from the invisible commitments that form the heart and soul (i.e., the foundational skeleton) of every relationship we are part of.
Focus on your commitments and how you and others around you are honoring or not honoring their commitments, and you will have much more clarity and success in your relationships.
Until next time…
To your health, happiness, and success,
Dr. Mort Orman, M.D.
Internal Medicine Physician
Leading Anger Elimination & Stress Elimination Expert
Creator, Angry No More (10-week Anger Elimination Program)
Creator, The Anger Internal Causes Framework
Creator, The Ultimate Anger Elimination System
Author or co-author of 33 Books on Eliminating Anger and Stress (23 as solo author; 10 as co-author or contributing author)
Author, Dr. Orman's Life Changing Anger Cure (most recent book)
My Vision for You: Winning At Life
"I believe we all have the internal power and resources to
live, love, and work anger-free and mostly stress-free."
