Expectations play an important role in many types of stress we experience. Here are just a few examples:
Emotional Distress
Many of our moods and emotions are tied to our expectations. If you expect to always be perfect, for example, you will often feel demoralized or depressed. If you expect bad things will surely happen to you, you may feel frightened, chronically anxious or perpetually worried. And when people fail to live up to the expectations you have for them, you may feel annoyed, disappointed, angry, or sad.
On the other hand, a positive outlook can lead to positive emotions. Optimism, enthusiasm, confidence, and contentment are all maintained, in part, by having positive expectations.
Relationship Conflicts
Expectations play a role in many of our relationship conflicts as well. Whenever we form a relationship with anyone, we always have expectations about how we and the other person should think, feel, and behave. When these expectations are violated, conflicts and stress can occur.
Friendships, for example, are based upon a socially understood set of specific expectations. We expect our friends to be loyal, honest, and trustworthy. We expect they will never hurt us or harm us intentionally, and they will always be responsive to us when we are in need. When people who profess to be our friends don’t behave in these ways, we often feel angry and betrayed.
Marriage is another hotbed for hidden expectations. Men and women can have differing ideas about how each spouse “should behave” in an ideal marriage. Often these expectations are not fully discussed or communicated between partners. But when one spouse begins to violate one or more of these unspoken expectations, a negative spiral of disappointment, resentment, blame and retaliation can ensue.
Work-Related Stress
We also have a host of work-related expectations. We have expectations about our bosses, managers, co-workers, and other employees. We also have expectations about suppliers, vendors, and various service people we depend upon. Throw in expectations about our business partners, customers, the economy, local and national politicians, etc., and you see that the workplace is literally teeming with all sorts of acknowledged and unacknowledged expectations.
Travel And Vacation Stress
Many people fail to realize how their travel and vacation expectations can lead to stress. From the very first moment we begin planning a trip, we envision the type of experiences we will have, usually conjuring up images of great joy, peace and relaxation.
Unfortunately, the realities of travel and vacations often turn out to be very different than our preconceived notions. From the traffic jam on the way to the airport, to the booking agency fouling up our reservations, to having our luggage lost or damaged—the reality of traveling often not the same as the travel or vacation we picture in our minds.
Also, we tend to have well-formed expectations about how our family members or other travel partners should think, feel, and behave while on vacation. These expectations are another hidden source of stress that can cause both major and minor travel-related conflicts.
NOTE: Also watch out for expectations about good weather, timely service, good accommodations, and the extremely dangerous idea that all will go well just because you want or need a peaceful vacation.
Physicians Who Feel Stressed
While numerous forces are converging in our society today to cause physicians to feel increasingly stressed, not the least of these are our own outdated expectations.
Dr. John-Henry Pfifferling, Ph.D, a friend of mine who works with many stressed-out physicians (and other professionals) wrote an article about physician stress several years in which he said:
“There are physicians who still have expectations of life-time job security, guaranteed income, autonomy, and physician-oriented work environments. When traditional expectations clash with changing reality, however, most people feel stressed. Physicians are no exception.”
Dr. Pfifferling goes on to explain that the old medical paradigm, which granted physicians control, prestige, specialness, and professional autonomy, has given way to a new social and economic paradigm, in which physicians are becoming subordinate to the needs of patients, employers, and payers–losing their absolute autonomy and experiencing less and less direct personal control.
NOTE: Once again, this underscores the importance of expectations as subtle–but very real–causes of human stress and suffering.
Holiday Stress
Social and personal expectations are a major source of holiday stress. The November-December holiday season is not a happy time for everyone. Yet we all feel compelled to look and feel merry during this time.
The media and Madison Avenue fuel these expectations. If you are single, alone, or recently divorced or separated, the social pressures at this time of year can bequite stressful. Similarly, we all have expectations of how our friends and family members should behave during the holidays. When these expectations are not met, stress and interpersonal conflicts can easily arise.
Summary
I’ve tried to give you a glimpse of the many different ways expectations, both individual and social, can lead to stress in our lives.
The wide range of expectations we have are truly endless in number. While we can’t list them all, the important things to know about them are:
1) they are usually unconscious and therefore hidden from our view; and
2) they are frequently untrue, unrealistic, or otherwise misleading.
Thus, whenever you feel “stressed” in any way, think about how unconscious expectations might be contributing to your problems.
Think about expectations you might have about yourself.
Think about expectations you might have about other people.
Think about expectations you might have about life itself, or about how some particular aspect of life is supposed to work.
And lastly, think about any other expectations lurking inside you that may be related to the specific situation you are presently faced with.
The more you learn about your own hidden expectations, the more power and control you will gain over to them.
Always ask yourself if something might be wrong or incomplete with any specific expectations you discover. Just by asking yourself this very simple question, you can empower yourself to see things in new, and hopefully more accurate, ways.
The more you are able to do this, the less stress and tension you will ultimately have.
To your health, happiness and success,
Dr. Mort Orman, M.D., International Speaker, Author And Founder Of The Stress Mastery Academy | http://DocOrman.com
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